A Normal Day in the Life of a Gundam Pilot
by Joe Laquinte
Summary: your average gundam wing day...just a little more twisted


A Normal Day in the Life of a Gundam Pilot

By: Joe Laquinte

with help from

Billy Gamy

**[Impulse83@aol.com][1]**

**……………………………………………**

(Warning: This fanfic is completely random.If you value your sanity, go no further…but if your ready for some wacky gundanium antics read on. Oh yeah, I don't own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters bla bla bla)

……………………………………………..

It was a beautiful afternoon in the Sank kingdom.Heero Yuy kicked his door down, walked into his house, and stopped.Silence…The house was silent, which meant nobody was home."Good!" he sighed as he threw his suitcase on the nearby couch. "No trace of Relena or Odin.I've got this whole house to myself."Heero removed his coat and opened the closet.

"Oh, hello Mr. Yuy!" announced the seven women inside the closet.

"Hello there Relena worshippers!" Heero said with false enthusiasm.Ever since Relena came back to earth, her worshippers from school refused to separate from the girl's side.They were everywhere…even at Heero and Relena's wedding…and unfortunately, they were there on the wedding night too. He handed the coat to the shorthaired blond one. "At least they let me watch" he mumbled.

Each girl smiled, "Her excellence, Miss Relena, was incredible.It's too bad you couldn't join us Mr. Yuy.It was an experience we won't soon forget."

Heero scowled, "Alright, that's enough!"

Amazingly, they all spoke in unison."Is Miss Relena home now?"

Heero faked another smile."No" he sighed, "She's not home yet."

All fourteen of their eyes turned to longing as they stared into space, "We're sure that…even though Miss Relena isn't here, she is in all our hearts sparkling like a star that—"

SLAM!!!

"I've got to weld that closet shut…" Heero sighed as he walked to the bathroom to take a bubble bath.

***

Relena Yuy had just arrived from work.She approached her house and noticed the door was wide open.Sensing danger, she carefully peered inside and saw that Heero's suitcase was lying on the couch with his papers scattered all over the floor.'What happened here', she wondered.**"Heero! Where are you Heero?!Heero…I can't find you!"**

** **

Heero laid back, relaxing in the suds of the bubble bath.

**"H-E-E-R-O?!"**

** **

"Damn it…" Heero sighed.He could hear shouting from the living room which meant, Relena was home.Relena was a great wife and mother, and he loved her, but she was often very needy and worrisome."I'm in the bathroom honey. I'm right here…in the bathroom…so **don't worry", he yelled.**

**"Heero?! I want to be near you Heero…Heero…I'm coming for you Heero!"Relena fumbled with the doorknob of the bathroom and started pounding on the door.**

"Goddammit woman!I'm in the bathroom!Baaaath Roooom..."Heero began rubbing his brow."I'll be out in a second okay?!"Heero plunged himself under the bubbles and lost himself to thought, 'Stupid wife.I am so gonna destroy her.'

Relena stared at the bathroom with longing in her eyes and smiled, "Oh Heero…"

***

A maid dashed toward Dorothy Catalonia."Mistress Catalonia! Come quickly, Mr. Winner is having another attack!"The maid hurried down the hall with Dorothy close behind her.

Dorothy knew exactly what was going on.Recently, Quatre had been suffering horribly from a disease that seemed to have no cure.Yes.Quatre Raberba Winner was suffering from chronic wussiness.Ever since his encounter with the Wing Zero, Quatre could no longer control his emotions.The slightest upset would send the boy into uncontrollable crying fits. 

Dorothy burst into Quatre's room and found him crying on the floor, clutching a Nintendo 64 controller.Rashid was sitting beside him.

Rashid didn't look happy at all."Master Quatre, if you didn't have the balls to play the game on 'license to kill' then why play at all?"Rashid threw his N64 controller on the floor and stormed out of the room.

Quatre shouted after him but there was no response.When he realized that Rashid was out of earshot Quatre collapsed on the ground and started crying again."Stupid golden guns, they ruin everything", he sobbed.

Dorothy felt sorry for the boy, but hated seeing him in this miserable state."Quatre, stop crying right now!"Quatre tried to compose himself and Dorothy looked him over from head to toe."That's much better."

Quatre began wiping his eyes."I'm sorry Dorothy.I know you hate seeing me like this but Rashid and me were playing Bond and he set some timed mines and blew me up and then he trapped me in the bathroom andthen—"

"Silence Quatre", Dorothy commanded."I can't stand this behavior any longer."

*Sniff*

Dorothy growled, "I thought I said silence?"Quatre closed his mouth but a scared expression remained on his face.Dorothy smiled, "Luckily for you, this afternoon I'm taking you to an institute where they might be able to cure you.Aren't you happy dear?"

Quatre began sobbing, "Yes…Yes, I'm so happy." All 90 pounds of him (Yep, it's true) fell into Dorothy's arms."I love you Dorothy!" he cried into her chest.

"I can't believe this", she sighed."I just hope the institute can bring back the old Quatre."She looked down at the crying form of Quatre and smiled."If you weren't suffering from chronic wussiness, I'd swear you were trying to feel up my breasts."

Quatre looked up at her puzzled, "What's a breasts?"

Dorothy shoved Quatre off of herself."Didn't you have something to tell me earlier?" she said, with voice ringing of annoyance.

Quatre dried his eyes."Oh yes…what was it again…now I remember…tonight I invited everyone to dinner on the "Spirit of L2".Quatre ran to the nearest drawer and pulled out a diagram of the luxury ship.The ship's color was composed of sleet silver design with blue stripes all over the hull.

Dorothy's eyes lit up with astonishment."Why Quatre, it's beautiful!"

Dorothy's surprise shone on Quatre's face."The Manager of the ship called me a few nights ago and asked me to host this party for everyone.Isn't it great?I reserved the whole ship for tonight, and I invited all our dearest friends…Heero, Relena, Trowa, Zechs, Noin, Catherine, Duo, Hilde, Wufei, Sally Po, Treize, Lady Une, the random pilots that die all the time.It's weird though, The Manager was really concerned whether Lady Une was going to be there or not…Oh well, I'm sure it's nothing."

Dorothy didn't look happy, "Quatre dear?"

"Yes?" he responded.

"How much money **did you spend on this party", she questioned.**

Quatre began sweating profusely, "Um…about a third of the Winner family fortune…" he said meekly. 

"YOU PAID WHAT???!!!" Dorothy yelled.She was about to pull out a frying pan in a classic Wilma Flintstones style bashing, but she stopped when she noticed Quatre's eyes filling with tears.Dorothy sighed, "It's alright Quatre.We can just get the money back by unfairly taxing the common people."

Quatre smiled at his wife "You're the best Dorothy."

"Silly baka", she laughed as they embraced each other.They left the embrace, "Now get ready Quatre, we still have to take you to the institute before we go anywhere else.Let's get you cured!"

***

Relena decided to let Heero enjoy his bubble bath.She opened the closet to hang up her coat and…

In unison, "Hello Miss Relana!"

Relena smiled "Hello my tools."

"Nice to see you Miss Relena.How was your day?"

Relena handed her coat to worshipper #2, "My day was very good thank you.How was your day #2?"

#2's mouth curled into a wide smile.Out of all of the worshippers, Miss Relena had chosen to talk to her.The other murmured enviously."Well", she began "First I stopped by the store, then I dropped Joshua off at school."

"How old is he now?"

"Oh, he's about ten and a half.After that I got my hair done…do you like it?The style is something I—"

SLAM!!!

"Heero, I thought I told you to weld that door shut," Relena shouted towards the bathroom.She sighed, and picked up the mail on the counter.As if by magic, Heero realized the mail was there."What in the mail dear?"

Relena thumbed through the letters."One is a letter from Khushrenada Corp.The others are just bills."

"Relena?Remind me to destroy the bill collectors…just put them on the list with all the other people I've promised to destroy", Heero said.

Relana unbundled the list, which hit the floor and rolled from the living room, to the kitchen, and onto the backyard patio.She wrote down 'bill collectors' right under the names George W. Bush and Mr. Kilpatrick.As she began to put the mail away, something fell out of the pile.It was a letter adorned with floral designs and closed with a golden seal.Relena stared at the seal, "Winner Family" she read out loud."Heero, it's a letter from Quatre…he's invited us on that new luxury ship, the "Spirit of L2".The party is tonight.

"Wow", Heero said "That was really nice of him."A bit of guilt touched his voice."Well, since that was so nice of him why don't you take his name of the list and replace it with someone else I dislike."

Relena unbundled the list again, scratched out Quatre's name, and wrote Regis Philbin next to it."And all is right in the world", she smiled.

Odin Yuy burst through the door and slammed his knapsack on the floor."I hate school", he grumbled as he hurried by his mom.Relena grabbed the sixth grader by the collar and spun him around.

"Young man, where do you think your going like---what?! Where did you get that black eye from?!" she shouted.Relena was very worried.**"H-E-E-R-O!"**

Heero, climbed out of the bathtub, "Damn…"

He walked into the main room wearing only a towel."What's wrong Rel—Odin! How did you get that black eye?"He put his hand on his son's head and ruffled his hair "Did you get into a fight or something buddy?"

Relena looked upset."Don't encourage him Heero, look at what those schoolyard ruffians did to our boy!"Relena swept Odin into her arms and began rocking him back and forth."Don't worry Odin you're home now where nobody can hurt you."

Odin winced, "Jeez mom, I'm not a kid.Put me down."Relena placed him on the floor and Heero walked up to his son.

"So, Odin who gave you that?" he said pointing at the black eye.

Odin sighed, "…it's was right after school.I was leaving and that bully, Mariemeia Khushrenada came up to me blocking my path, like she was all tough or something.I was about to tell her to step out of the way when she did the funniest thing."

"What did she do?" Relena questioned.

"Well, she gave me an invitation to her birthday party", Odin said.

"What did you do then?" Heero asked.

"What do you think I did, I tore that piece of trash up!"

Heero could feel his eyes tearing up like Quatre's. "You truly are my son.I am so proud," he said smiling.

Relena hit Heero, hard. "Don't encourage the boy Heero."She turned toward Odin, "That doesn't explain how you got that black eye."

The boy looked at the ground sheepishly, "After I tore it up…Mariemeia sorta decked me."He began blushing, "It's not that she's a girl…that's not why I'm embarrassed…it's just that she hit me in front of all of my friends."An evil smile appeared on Odin's face."I know what I'll do, I'll destroy her."

Heero noticed Relena was about to yell at Odin.He decided this was his territory, so he lovingly pushed Relena aside and kneeled down in front of his son(still in the towel mind you).Heero's voice was very soft."Odin, I understand you're mad at Mariemeia but you can't just waltz around threatening to kill everyone who crosses your path.You see son, in life, many people will wrong you.You've just got to show that you're the stronger person by reacting with a cool head and just intentions.Do you understand Odin?"

Odin kicked at the ground, "Yeah dad, I guess."

"You should listen to your father Odin", replied seven muffled voices from the closet.

"Quiet you tools!"

Heero smiled with pride, "Good, Odin.I'm very proud of you."He patted him on the head and picked up the letter from Khushrenada Corp.His eyes went wide."Khushrenada Corp. is cutting down my paycheck!" Heero looked past them all in a dramatic gaze."Treize…first your daughter beats up my son, now this?!" His voiced lowered to a deadly tone."Treize…I'm going to destroy you.This path that you have taken, this path where you have lowered my paycheck, has made you an obstacle.And as long as you are an obstacle, I will destroy you."

Odin laughed, "Hey dad, you're in a towel.You know that right?"

"Not now Odin, daddy has to go destroy his boss."Heero threw on some clothes and kissed Relena on the cheek."Don't worry dear, I'll be back before Quatre's party."With this said, he ran out of the door.

Odin looked as his father ran off into the distance "So, was dad always this crazy?"

***

Quatre carefully opened the door to the WVI(War Veteran Institute) and peered inside.The waiting room was full with all types.He wished that Dorothy were beside him, helping him through this awkward moment.He walked up to the receptionist who took a long drag on her cigarette and blew smoke into the boy's face.Quatre sputtered and coughed as the smoke made his eyes tear."What's the big idea?" he yelled.

"Standard lung test", she said in a monotone voice.The receptionist shoved a sign-in sheet in Quatre's face "Sign here…here…here…and here."The woman squinted at him. "You sure do look like my third husband" she said flatly.

"Um...thanks, is that all?" Quatre said.

The lady laughed wholeheartedly, "Oh hell no.You still have these."She dropped a giant stack of papers on the receptionist counter."You've still got to fill these out.If I were you, I'd get started now.See that guy over there?"

Quatre turned his head around and saw an old man whose beard touched the ground.The old man looked up at him, gave Quatre a toothless grin, and continued filling out his papers.Quatre gave an audible gulp.

"That's old Cletus.Persistent old bugger, I hope he finishes those forms…someday", she said.

Quatre gulped again, and carried his forms to the nearest empty chair.He sat down and read the background information questions.

'Has the war effected you mentally'…"Yes"

'Has the war effected you physically'…"No"

'Have you ever destroyed a colony"…

This question stopped him.Quatre's head went up.Even though everyone else was attending to their own business, he couldn't help feeling like all eyes were on him. The back of his neck felt uncomfortably hot.Once he made sure he was clear, he quickly marked 'Yes' for the answer.As if instantly, all the seats surrounding him scooted away five feet.Quatre looked up again and saw the whole room striking him with terrified stares.The receptionist's mouth was wide open in shock, yet her cigarette stayed in place, defying gravity.

"Bastard", someone cried.

Quatre was getting upset and his eyes starting tearing up."For christ sakes, it was uninhabited people!" he yelled. 

The room filled with unsavory murmurs, but the people went back to their business.

Quatre sighed,"This is gonna be a long day."He turned the page and his eyes went wide.

"Have you ever nearly killed your friend who was piloting the Vayeate, while being controlled by the zero system"…

Quatre began sobbing.

***

It was normal afternoon at Khushrenada Corp.As always, business men from all over would come to see the president of Khushrenada Corp., Treize Khushrenada. They would display their merchandise, be turned down, and sent back to their respective lands in disgrace.Treize sat at his desk, holding his hands in a very corporate manner. In front of him were several marketers.A nervous sweaty man ran up to his desk.

"Mister Treize, I've got the perfect product for ya.You like toys don't ya?" he stammered.

"Continue" Treize said silently.

The man looked hurt.He reached into his bag and pulled out a Barney doll (Keep reading)

"Hasn't that been done already" Treize replied.

The man smiled widely."Never like this Mister Treize.I'd like you to meet 'Sing and Play Communist Barney'.He's the friends of all the working class."Treized raised an eyebrow and the man pulled the string on the back of the doll.

Sappy music filled the air as the doll began to move. "I love you, you love me, rise up against the bourgeoisie and take back the government for the working man, Karl Marx really had the plan…"

Treize pushed the red button under his desk and the floor opened up under the man."Noooooooooooo…….ouch!"Treize smiled confidently.'I love my trap door' he thought."Next", he announced.

Thew next person in line was a woman wearing a professional looking business suit."I've got the perfect product Mister Khushrenada", she smiled.

"Continue" he said.

The woman reached down into her bag and pulled out an object.

"A video game?" Treize said curiously.

The woman smiled.He sounded reluctant now but soon he would be swayed. "It's called Harvest Moon 64", she began (Author's Note: I'm still on the second year…sigh) "It's a farming simulation game.You see, this game is very addictive.Suburban teenagers that wish to live a rural life will flock to this game.Soon they will be drawn into the real life problems that the game offers.In short, it is the game that never ends."She flashed Treize an evil smile."But, I'll let examples speak for themselves."

A large box with a window was wheeled in.Treize peered through the window and found a boy playing the game inside.The frightened boy turned to the window and saw Treize."Hey mister, you gotta help me!They lifted me out of my house and stuck me in this box!They're forcing me to play the game.I can't stop mister…the game won't let me stop.You gotta call my family!I live at 501—"

The woman quickly shut the window.Treize stared at the box."Amazing…" he said in awe "You're hired."He pushed the green button under his desk and a clear plastic tube came down around the woman.

She smiled and bowed, "I thank you for your kindness, Mister Khushrenada."

Treize smiled, "Please my dear, call me T-Dawg."The woman was sucked up the tube where she would spend a comfortable life marketing for Khushrenada Corp.The next man stepped up.

The man slammed a suitcase down on Treize's desk. "Mister Treize, have I got a product for you.My technicians have been working on this non-stop."

"I'm listening" he responded.

The suitcase opened with a click."What would you say if we combined the zero system, with a smooth agreeable soft drink?"

Treize laughed, "I'd say you're an imbecile." 

The man threw Treize an aluminum can."Well, Mister Treize, prepare yourself for Zero Cola!It's like a zero system…in your mouth!"

At that moment, vice president Noventa ran into the room."Treize! We have an intruder in the testing area."

Treize turned around in his chair.The testing area was a large field where the more dangerous products of the company were tested.From his office window, Treize could see the whole field.It was quiet though….and then…movement!A leo moved.The leo aimed its gun at Treize's office.Treize remained calm."Noventa, tell security to destroy that leo."

Weapons all over the compound were activated.Everything the company had to offer was shot at the leo.Bullets, beams, missiles, other leos…

When the smoke cleared, the leo still stood.It was dented and missing an arm, but it was still standing.Treize kept his calm."Noventa I want you to tell security—"

Noventa ran up to the window, "Treize wait, the leo didn't blow up…maybe someone important is inside(Author's Note:It is a **Gundam Wing Fact that if an important character is in a leo, and they get attacked,no matter how much damage they take they _do not blow up.You may continue).Noventa held up his walkie-talkie,"Security, shoot a missile at the cockpit of that leo."Immediately a missile hit the mobile suit's midsection(leaving it unhurt) while nearby, a pigeon crapped on another leo, and it blew up immediately._**

Noventa ran into the testing field. "Wait, don't shoot.I'm sure we can talk this out.You're obviously a very important person" he shouted up to the leo.Even though the pilot was important, the damage taken made the leo lose its balance.It started tipping in Noventa's direction.He reared back in fear "Now young man, don't go and fall on me…..Nooooooo!!!"

The leo fell smack dab on Noventa.The cockpit opened and a disgruntled Heero Yuy stepped out."Treize!" he yelled.

"What?" Treize yelled back.

"You lowered my paycheck, so I'm gonna destroy you", Heero yelled.

"How about a raise?" Treize yelled.

"Hot damn", Heero shouted as he ran off into the sunset leaving the readers, and the author very confused at why this scene had to take place, and why Marshall Noventa had to die senselessly once again…

***

Quatre was ecstatic.He walked out of the institute with a clean bill of health.They dealt with his disease perfectly.The most effective treatments were in belching and crotch scratching, after which Quatre felt more manly than ever.For the final treatment the doctors strapped him down and made him watch End of Evangelion five times.After watching a movie _that screwed up, it easily reversed all side effects of the zero system._

Quatre ran the whole way back to the Winner Estate.When he got there, Quatre grabbed Dorothy and lifted her into his arms."Guess what?I'm cured" he laughed."No more unneeded crying, no more embarrassment, no more using your feminine products…"

"No more using my what?!" Dorothy screamed.

Quatre laughed, "Just kidding, your old baka is back!"He kissed her and she kissed back."So, how are we going to celebrate this?" he smiled with lustful vigor.

Dorothy knew exactly what he was thinking about."Don't even think about **that now.Did you forget about the party already?Go change, we don't have much time", she said waving Quatre away.**

"Oh well", Quatre shrugged."Time to play a quick game of goldeneye", he snickered."Hey Rashid! Where are you?" he yelled running up the steps.

Dorothy smiled, 'I love having the old Quatre back.Still a little wussy' she laughed 'but still better.We'll do just fine.'Dorothy could hear Bond music coming from next floor.She heard Rashid talking faintly.

"Why Master Quatre, you capped my ass once again!Good show Master Quatre, good show indeed."

"Are you two getting ready?" she shouted up the steps.

The Bond music stopped…

"Yes ma'am", they said simultaneously.

The music started again.

"I'll have to keep the guy in line", she smiled.The phone rang and Dorothy picked it up."Hello?" she said happily.

A voice that sounded like Orson Wells responded "Miss Catalonia, this…The Manager!"Thunder could be heard in the background.

Dorothy looked out the window, 'What the hell?I don't see a storm outside', she thought.'Oh well.'"Hello Mr. Manager, how are you?" she replied.

"Just fine Miss Catalonia.Do you know if Miss Une will be joining us tonight on the "Spirit of L2"?" The Manager said.

Dorothy stared at the phone suspiciously, "Um...She should."

"Very good. Quite good indeed.Now I must go feed my cat, Mr. Snuggles.Have a nice night Miss Catalonia."

'That's odd' Dorothy thought 'Why is he so concerned about Lady Une?'It was then that she noticed The Manager had not hung up his phone.Sure curiosity had killed a few cats, but it never got a Catalonia.

***

_"Mr. Snuggles, look what daddy has for you.Some new cat food…what the…Mr. Snuggles, where id you get that ham?! _

_ _

_"Meow"_

_ _

_"Unhand that ham this minute!"_

_ _

_"Grrr"_

_ _

_"Now Mr. Snuggles, that is daddy's ham."A crashing sound was heard in the background._

_ _

_"Meow!"_

_ _

_"You damn cat…John Paul! Grab Mr. Snuggles for me!"_

_ _

_"Meow"_

***

Dorothy hung up the phone, "What a weird guy."

*******

** **

When Heero and his family finally arrived at the area where the "Spirit of L2" was held, they were astounded by the plane's size.The incredible ship towered above them and the silver design sparkled in the fading sunlight.

"Wow dad, if Uncle Quatre is this rich then why don't you sponge off him more often?" Odin said with awe.

"Odin, I'm ashamed of you!" Relena rebuked."It's not sponging…it's just that your uncle Quatre is very easy to manipulate.We do not sponge, Quatre gives us things out of his own kindness."

The Yuy family walked up the pathway and entered the ship.The inside was just as beautiful as the outside.All furniture and decorations were colored blue and gold and there were chandeliers lining the entire ceiling.Heero noticed a familiar blond in a white tux approaching him.

"Quatre, it's been a while", he smiled.

Quatre shook Heero's hand then bowed to Relena."Madam you look splendid as always."

"And you are always the gentleman", she replied.Quatre looked at the third member of the Yuy troop.

"Odin? Is that you?You really got big."Quarter looked at Odin's black eye."Fight at school, huh?Just like dad", he laughed. 

Odin carried his black eye with confidence.'My first battle scar', he thought.

"Where's Dorothy?" Relena said."I haven't seen her in ages."

Quatre looked back to the steps that led to a huge door."She's in the back talking to The Manager."Thunder could be heard from inside the ship.Quarter looked around, "What the hell?!Where did that come from?"A confused Quatre stared back at the Yuys."Dorothy should be with us shortly.C'mon you three, you've got to meet everyone else.There's lots of catching up to do."

*******

** **

**That night was like old times again.Everyone was at the huge dinner table and there was eating, laughing, and reminiscing…it was just like before(except without the explosions and the killing).Zech's made certain to bring his mask for dramatic effect and when everyone met Duo they made sure to tug his braid affectionately.**

While eating dinner Lady Une noticed something odd."There's a hair in my food?!"Immediately a young waiter ran up to her looking worried.

"Is there a problem ma'am?" he said.

She pulled his face right up to the plate. "Do you see that?"

"Yes ma'am, that's a plate of our delicious fettuccini…and a hair", he said simply.

"Yes you idiot, a hair.Take it back immediately and give me another", she growled.

"I'm afraid ma'am that we are all out of…"the young waiter saw Lady Une reaching for a gun shaped object in her pocket.He began trembling."Um…beg your pardon ma'am but you aren't planning to…uh…throw me out of this plane and shoot me on the way down are you?" he stuttered.

The room went silent.Lady Une placed the gun back in her pocket."Not now I guess", she laughed nervously.

The waiter bowed and took her plate."I'll see what I can do with your food."The waiter ran away as fast as he could.

Heero sighed, "Lady Une, look what you did…you scared the crap out of that poor kid.You should have just threatened to destroy him."

"Hey, that would've been mean", said Duo.

"Do you wanna be destroyed?!" 

Duo sunk back into his chair, "No sir…"

Heero stretched confidently, "Damn straight."

*******

** **

The young waiter ran into The Manager's office.It was dark and the only lights were very faint.The chair in which the manager sat was turned around, making him unseen."Why, have you disturbed me?"(Remember, Orson Well's voice)

The waiter was out of breath "Mr. Manager, this woman back at the table threatened to throw me out of the plane and shoot me on the way down."

The Manager sounded curious, "Are you sure…are you sure it was her?"

"I'm sure.Her hair was tied up in two buns and she wore glasses just like the one's you described", he said.

"Can it really be her…after all these years."The Manager became alert again."You must bring her here,now!"

The waiter ran quickly from the room.

Minutes later, Lady Une walked into the darkened room."Is this about the fettuccini?!It tasted like crap and there was a hair in it." 

The Manager's voice sounded very confident, "So Miss Une, you have come back to me.Please, sit down and we shall catch up on things."

Lady Une sat down.

"What do you mean 'catch up'?"Lady Une squinted at the chair."Do I know you?"She began to regret letting the waiter have her gun when she entered.

The Manager laughed, "Oh, you know me.You know me very well, Miss Une.Actually you thought I was dead, didn't you?"His laugh echoed throughout the room.

'Dead?!' she thought 'I've obviously crossed this guy's path before'.During the war Lady Une had to battle and destroy many people to stay alive.Who could it be?Where would she begin?

The Manager sounded angry, "You can't remember me can you?The last time we met was on a plane.You threw me out and senselessly shot me on the way down!Do you remember now?"

Lady Une could hardly speak.She couldn't even think straight."S-Septem? Is that you?"

The chair turned around and all the lights in the room turned on.The glare was so bright, Lady Une shielded her eyes.When she opened them, Lady Une saw a sight she would never forget.It was a couch with a black eye patch.On the chair, sat a couch with a black eye patch.Lady Une burst into laughter.

"Is this a joke", she managed in between laughs "Are you the manager?

"Joke?!How dare you!"He calmed himself."I see you still don't remember me…" The Manager said."Let's see if **this refreshes your memory!" **

Lady Une stopped laughing but nothing happened.After minutes of awkward silence, Une could swear she saw a sweat drop fall down the couch.The Manager began again, "Let's see if **this refreshes your memory"…awkward silence…"John Paul!!!"**

The waiter ran to where The Manager was."I'm sorry sir, I was in the bathroom."

"Quiet!I've had enough of your incompetence.You are not forgiven", he yelled. 

The kid looked down at the ground sorrowfully.

Lady Une laughed, "Am I the only one seeing a couch with an eye patch sitting on a chair?This is insane."

The chair cleared its throat(Author's Note: Throat?!) "Ahem, let's try this again.Let's see if **this refreshes your memory."John Paul ran up to The Manager and removed the eye patch, which revealed a bullet hole."See this bullet hole Miss Une?!You are the one who did this, you murderer!"**

Lady Une thought back to that famous day years ago.The day that the peaceful Earth Sphere leaders were assassinated, and OZ truly took over.She remembered when she was on the plane with Septem.Before she threw him out of the plane, he was…sitting on a couch!That same couch flew out of the plane with him when she threw him out…and the bullet that struck Septem…probably hit the couch on the way down too."Oh my God", she gasped.

"That's right, you thought I was dead.But, unfortunately for you, I'm back…John Paul!"John Paul rushed over."Press the button to secure Miss Une."John Paul pressed the button and shackles snapped shut over Lady Une's hands and feet.She tried to struggles against them but it was useless.

"You're a maniac!" she scowled

The Manager ignored her comment."Well Miss Une, I've heard a lot about your adventures during the war, I'll inform you of mine.After your murderous act, I spent the next five years in a Belgium hospital learning how to walk again."

Lady Une snickered 'Learning how to walk?' she though 'He's a couch for goodness sakes.'

The Manager became upset. "Do you find something amusing about my struggles Miss Une?"

Lady Une surpressed her laughter."I'm sorry, you may continue."

The Manager began again. "After learning how to walk again, I assumed odd jobs under the name Howard Cocknipple."

Lady Une went into a fit of giggles and even John Paul started laughing.She tried to compose herself.This was a serious situation but…it was a freaking couch!

"Do you find something amusing about the name Cocknipple?!" he yelled.

"I'm sorry" she laughed "It's just that you're a couch."

Another sweat drop ran down the couch."I'm glad you find my fate humorous, because yours will be quite similar.Our previous encounter was on a plane, so I think it's fitting for our last encounter to end the same way.You see, once I pull this switch you will fall, once you fall I will shoot you, and once you are shot, you will hit the ground leaving you quite dead."The Manager began laughing.It was a horrible laugh that spread through the whole room.

"You won't get away with this.It won't end this way!" she spat at him.

"Oh, I do believe I will.Once you are dead I will take my personal jet and fly away from the "Spirit of L2".The plane will plummet to the earth and kill all of your friends.There will be no survivors Miss Une.There will be no one to avenge you.It's unfortunate that you didn't think first before you decided to—"

"Meow!"

A cat walked into the room and began rubbing against Lady Une's leg."Mr. Snuggles, haven't I told you not to interrupt daddy's dramatic speeches?" The Manager said.

"Meow" 

The Manager saw that his cat had a fish in its mouth."Mr. Snuggles! That is daddy's hickory smoked bass.Unhand the bass this moment!John Paul, grab Mr. Snuggles."John Paul dived for the cat, but Mr. Snuggles gracefully jumped out of the way, and onto The Manager's desk."You damn cat" he yelled.

"Meow" 

Mr. Snuggles began walking across the desk and stepped on a button that made Lady Une's shackles unlatched.She stared at the cat briefly, "Thanks kitty."As soon as John Paul got up Lady Une punched him unconscious.Quatre and Trowa ran into the room and Lady Une turned to them. "You came to help me" she smiled.

Quatre looked puzzled, "Save you?"He noticed the unconscious man on the ground."I was just looking for the bathroom."

"Then why is Trowa with you", she questioned.

Trowa looked down at the ground nervously, "I was…uh…I was just…uh...gonna help Quatre go to the bathroom…" The two exchanged nervous glances.

Lady Une sighed, "Whatever, let's get back to the party.I've had enough of psychotic couches today."Lady Une gathered the cat in her arms."At least I found a new friend from this experience."

Quatre and Trowa stared at each other."Psychotic couches?" they said in unison.They both turned to the couch, which seemed to be sweating profusely."Why is that couch on a chair?" Quatre asked.

The Manager laughed anxiously."Don't mind me, I'm just a regular every-day couch.Nothing special about me.I'm certainly not a criminal mastermind...heheh."

Heero and Relena peeked inside the room"What happened here?"Heero approached Lady Une "We heard some shouting.Is everything okay?"Lady Une gave a 'it's a long story' nod.Relena noticed the couch. 

"Hey Heero, isn't that couch the same color as our wallpaper", she asked.

Heero gave an approving whistle "Yeah, you're right.That couch would look great in the den.If I could just patch up that bullet hole, it would look fine.Do you think The Manager would let us have it Lady Une?"

Lady Une smiled evilly."I'm sure it's fine.Why don't you two take it right now."

"Oh the humanity", The Manager moaned.

"I'll drop it off in the car right now."Heero lifted the couch up carried it out.

"You can't do this…I have dignity…"

*******

By the end of the party, Relena was exhausted, so she let Heero drive home.Odin was snoozing in the back seat. Relena's head rested on Heero's soldier.She stared up at her perfect soldier.He looked down and saw Relena looking at him.

"What?" Heero asked.

"Are you happy?" she said silently.

"Of course I'm happy.I have everything I need in this car.My wife, my child, a new couch", he laughed "Everything."

Relena sighed, "That's good.I was always worried you wouldn't be able to adjust to a normal life…a normal life compared to a gundam pilot's."Relena looked back at Odin and smiled."We had a real adventure today."

Muffled voice, "Somebody help me…"

"That's a really noisy couch," said Heero.

"Hey Heero?" said Relena

"Yes?"

"I'm happy too" she said as she drifted off to sleep.

"Normal life" Heero said out loud.The words sounded so foreign to him."What do you think Mr. Couch?"

"I think you should let me go!I'll give you such a wraith, a wraith of horrors unseen…please let me go…oh the embarrassment", he moaned.

Heero could see his house coming up on the left.He caressed Relena's hair."Normal life…" he said, "It's not so bad.Not bad at all."

……………………………………………..

Well, I hope you GW fans enjoyed my little fanfic. How'd you like it?Comments and critiques are very welcome.Much thanks goes to Janelle, Billy, and everybody else who helped.Hey, if any of you are Illusion of Gaia fans, check out my other fanfic "If Fate Allows"(I know, I know…shameless plug…I'm sorry).If you have comments or want to post this fanfic on your page, you know where to mail me at, see ya next time.

-Joe

**……………………………………………..**

   [1]: mailto:Impulse83@aol.com



End file.
